pencils

Not Getting Closer

"Not Getting Closer"
Jack Gilbert

Walking in the dark streets of Seoul
under the almost full moon.
Lost for the last two hours.
Finishing a loaf of bread
and worried about the curfew.
I have not spoken for three days
and I am thinking, "Why not just
settle for love? Why not just
settle for love instead?"


what the hell

WHY ARE THERE PUBES ON MY DESK??

On two separate occasions now, I have found a single, unmistakable strand of pubic hair on my desk. It would be an incredible understatement to say that I am very concerned. First, that the cleaning lady is cleaning toilets and then my desk with the same cloth. Second and in the alternative, that someone is having sex on my desk.

I quite overwhelmingly miss my old firm. There was never any pubic hair on my desk there. I had never considered that as an employment perk before, but I am seriously going to have to start including that in my CV. "Will not work on pube-strewn desk."


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@2:35
P: Why am I watching this? This is upsetting.

J: Because it's the best thing ever


@3:55
P: I can't believe I'm watching lions and crocodiles play tug of war over a live buffalo.


@4:34
P: [cracks up]


@4:54
P: Now, the video's not really clear enough but I imagine the look on the lions' faces must be like, "ah, what NOW - ohshitohshit."

J: You know, I never thought buffalo cared about each other.

P: Yeah me neither. But that was a baby they took down right? Maybe it was a particularly cute buffalo child.

J: Cute buffalo? They all look the same to me.

P: That's just racist


@5:04
P: I wonder what the buffalo signal is. Like, help, my child is being eaten by lions! in buffalo. I feel like it might be important for when I go to Africa.


@5:30
P: I love how for like a full minute, the buffalo are surrounding the lions, who are just lying there casually, all like, "oohhh hey you guys, what's up? This? This is - nah, this is nothing.. it's, uh, just.. I just found this lying here."


@6:00
P: Oh there we go. Buffalo LYNCHING MOB! Okay you're right this is pretty awesome.

J: Yeah man. It's pretty awesome. 8 minutes of pure awesome. I'm rewatching it.


@6:30
P: The lions look pretty chill given the numbers. And the baby buffalo does not look well man.

J: I don't know, I'd be pretty scared if I were the lion because, well, there were also crocs in the river. Crocs the animal, not the fake shoe.

P: Yah but they're just lying there. I mean after the first of my party got summarily flung in the air like that, I would be getting the fuck out. Cats and their pride. Pride of lions! Oh, I get it.


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roar

it takes so little

An ex and I once had a protracted discussion on whether, when utilising the severed arm of your foe as a weapon, you'd use the upper arm bit or the hand bit as a handle. On the one hand (heh), the logical answer seems to be to hold on to the hand-end and to use the larger, musclier part (we eventually settled on calling it "the wet end") to beat the guy around. However, there is something particularly delicious and satisfying about the thought of gripping onto the wet end and gently slapping the other guy about a bit with his own hand.

I bring this up because today, I came pretty gosh darn close to RIPPING THE ARM OFF OF A CLIENT SO I COULD BEAT THE INFURIATING, WRETCHED HARPY AROUND THE HEAD WITH IT.

But then I went down for a smoke and was hit on by a cute guy from KPMG so all is good in the world again.


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beach legs

tease

Hm. So. I have had... shall we say, a very interesting CNY weekend. More detail would prrrooobably entail my breaking some kind of obscenity-related law, and would most DEFINITELY be construed as conduct unbefitting an honourable profession, sooo... suffice to say that I had but 2 new year resolutions, and, over the course of this 4-day weekend, I have broken them both.

Did I say broken? No no nonono. I did not merely break them. I slapped those muthas down and reduced them to snivelling snot-nosed little children. My bitches, my hos, my very unequivocally shattered resolutions. They are one and the same.

But my-oh-my, did I ever have a good time. You guys, EVERY MOTHERFUCKING WEEKEND should be like this - 4 days long and eventfulness-maximus.

shoe sale

spoils of war

AKA Borders warehouse sale WOOT!



From left column to right: Paul Theroux, The Blinding Light; Sarah Waters, Affinity; James MacKillop, Myths and Legends of the Celts; Suetonius, The Twelve Caesars; Vladimir Nabokov, The Annotated Lolita; Paul Theroux, The Mosquito Coast; Paul Theroux, Dark Star Safari; Paul Theroux, The Elephanta Suite; Pulp Fiction - The Villains (various authors); Fargo (DVD); Gregory Maguire, Son of a Witch; John Updike, The Centaur; Susanna Clarke, The Ladies of Grace Adieu; The Quest of the Holy Grail (unknown author)
Rough Guides! Marrakesh (directions), Mallorca, Guatemala, First-Time Latin America, England, Thailand's Beaches and Islands

You would not believe how much I had to cull before I even came close to that stack you see there. Thankfully (sorta), TGA and I were in direct competition, snatching up $4 guidebooks and saccharine-sweetly offering to help each other hold the ones we already had in our baskets. He got Cape Town and the Dominican Republic. I blame both oversights on my height, it was really difficult to get at those books at the centre of the island of boxes while struggling with an overloaded basket of my own. Damn youse, tiny genes! *shakes fist*

We popped by the Metro sale next door and can I say holy fucking Christ those aunties are vicious. You know those documentaries where the hyenas descend upon some poor steaming carcass that's already been torn apart by lions and then proceed to rip it to teeny tinier shreds through a combination of crazed feeding and infighting? Now imagine that, but with a pile of seven dollar shoes. By the time we arrived there, the Specials booth was just a vomitous mess of empty open shoeboxes and random unmatched shoes. One would imagine that, at some point, those shoes were not only in their boxes, but paired happily with another shoe similar both in size and shape. To have gone from that benign scenario to what I saw down there on the ground requires a leap of logic that I am simply not equipped to make. I mean, what? Did these ladies approach the display like shoe-maddened Vikings, ripping box after box open and tossing conquered pairs over their shoulders? Were they overcome by the sheer joy of seven dollar shoes - I mean, seven dollar shoes! - and felt they had to express said joy by flinging the shoes ecstatically in the air? How else would you end up with a situation involving people literally on their knees, scrabbling through a pile of shoes and tissue paper shoebox liners, looking for an ugly white sandal, size 6, left side only please?

Metro sales scare me.


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bath

book now, 50% off

My life revolves around bath time. In a valiant effort to save the earth by using less water and expending as little energy as humanly possible without actively ceasing to exist, I bathe once every 24 hours. This, as you might imagine, is a rather important determining factor when it comes to planning my day. Massage? Only within 4 hours of bath time. Gym? Eh, maybe after the massage - oil, sweat, no one's going to know the difference. Athletic sex? Can I schedule you in during the shower itself, babe?

Sometimes this makes planning my day a little difficult. Like when I am due for a shower by 5pm, but my plans take me to midnight that day. Then I have to fit another shower in before 5. This makes me crabby. And it also throws off my mental balance because when I get back at night, I feel all tired and still remarkably lemony fresh, which tempts me to hop into bed and put off showering until my allocated 24 hours are up. But then the ground-in paranoia that 24 years of parental admonitions and parental tall tale-telling will give you kicks in, and I start imagining itchy little things biting and burrowing into my pillow, and then I cannot sleep.

Maybe I should start blocking out premium spots in my daily schedule. The hours right before and after bath time are peak hours and command a higher price. One because there is more flexibility in choice of activity, and the other because I will greet you smelling like mint chocolate and Clinique Happy.


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frustration

i have to WORK LATE on my BIRTHDAY?

When will you people cease with the thoughtless behaviour?? Ye gads, stop committing your crimes for JUST ONE DAY and let the girl enjoy this holiest of days in peace. And you! Your loved one will not die if he has to spend one more day in lockup. Stop calling! GOD. Is anyone suffering more than I am right now? I DON'T THINK SO.

And now they've turned the air conditioning off. OH COME ON.


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