My brother Derrick announces that there is a cockroach in the loo. He trapped it by shutting the door.
I realise that I'm going to be the first one in the loo tomorrow. I am highly unhappy.
Emergency powwow to ascertain course of action. Derrick, being The Man, has got out the Baygon and short mop and is tricked out in long sleeve hoodie and pants. Am made to promise not to take photos on pain of death. Derrick makes first attempt.
Derrick has barricaded us both into my room. Helmet bag sacrificed to cover crack under door. Cockroach 1, Humans, 0.
Plan B. We both go out.
Back in room. Have determined that roach flies.
Cockroach has assumed position near toothbrushes. Spraying is now impossible. It seems the enemy is one crafty bugger. Bugger. Heh.
Managed to bang shower door loudly enough with short mop to make roach move to Prime Spraying Position. Had small altercation over who was to wield Baygon. Argument "It's going to FLY at my HEAD," was made, as was rejoinder "Don't you DARE use me as a shield when that happens."
Ranks falling apart. Amidst anger and chaos, a leader emerged: mother stuck head out of her room and shouted at us to shut up.
Calvary arrived! Maid was called.
At first sign of roach scuttling out of corner, Derrick and I scampered back into room and locked door. Helmet bag was called to action once again.
Uncomfortable silence. War rages on outside. Yelps, whaps, bangs on door, and Baygon sprays are heard.
Derrick: "I must say, wearing that sweater and holding that broom really made me feel like a man."
Discussion on toothpaste and toothbrushes which Derrick rescued. Nutritional value of toothpaste decided to be negligible. Rations low.
Prolonged lack of sound emanating from outside. Possibility of War Ended And Everybody Knew But Us-type situation growing.
Derrick: "Mooom? Moooooom? There's nowhere to sleep and she snores."
Derrick: "I still really need to pee."
Derrick and I have come up with a Plan. It's all well and good to call the maid now, but what about when he's 30 and has a wife and kids to be all manly in front of? What if I'm alone on exchange and have my own private When Roaches Attack moment?
The Plan is pretty simple, really. It plays to what we're good at (not speaking Mandarin well) while achieving the primary goals (no contact at all with roach).
It goes like this: we're to stand by the main door and yell, "HUO AH! HUO AH!" When the neighbours come running in, we'll be like, "Fire? What fire? I meant roa - oh, 'huo' isn't 'cockroach' in Chinese? Well, since you're already here..."
Alternatively, if we shout... whatever the Chinese word for 'burglar' is, then, as Derrick has observed, they may even bring their own frying pans and such with them. One less roach juice-stained item to clean. It's brilliant.
It's 2 a.m. now, and I'm still suffering from the aftershock. Just the sight of an ant is enough to send me into near-fatal flashbacks. These are the things they don't tell you about war. It's an ugly business, y'all.